I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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