Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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