ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
