man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
