This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
