It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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