If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Sober January is a disaster.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
