I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
