So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize