I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
