i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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