I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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