my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
