So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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