I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
