In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
