The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
