he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
