I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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