We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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