while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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