my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
zippers are such a cool invention
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
tell me about the eggs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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