im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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