i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
