My balls are so social today.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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