you traded sex for a burrito?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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