I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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