I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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