My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
