well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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