my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
