i just wanna soil my oats bro
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
