Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
