I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
