Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
