So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
