Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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