Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
