I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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