Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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