Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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