She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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