Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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