dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
