I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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