two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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