He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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