You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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