Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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