Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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