I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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