dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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