i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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