when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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