Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
