I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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