I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
