she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
