was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Everyone says I win the strip club
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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