He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
