I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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