if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This is classic penis vs brain.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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