Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize