nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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