Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
