The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
