I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
