"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
