The maid of honor just puked.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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