Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
