This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
