I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize