Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why do cheetos always look like penises
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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