I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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